So very tired of being so very tired. I sleep too much, then sleep not enough. I have got to figure a way to pull my head out of my ass and get on some kind of routine with sleep. Easier said than done.
Imagine you are the sleepiest you have ever been. You can barely hold your eyes open to focus on anything and then just when you are about to fall asleep...BAM! Eyes snap open and your wide freaking awake. Mind rasing with 100 thoughts of things you need to do, should do, things you have done and things that quite frankly you have no idea why your thinking about it. All you want to do is get some sleep and no matter what you try doesn't work. You punch your pillow, change the thermastat, make hot cocoa, anything just to find your way to the blissfulness of dreamland. That's what it's like for me these days. So physically tired that you dont actually accomplish much of anything while you are awake, but no matter how tired you are, you just can't sleep. Make's me want to scream out my frustration out at the top of my lungs. Of course, I don't. I'm sure my neighbors would just love that.
So instead of sleeping like most "normal" people at 2 in the morning, I'm blogging about how I can't freaking sleep. Thank goodness for Netflix or I might possibly lose what little I have left of my mind. As I sit here typing, I am watching episodes of Ugly Betty. It has been my constant companion for weeks now. What I'd rather be doing is.....SLEEPING!!!!! I have a million things that I have to do this morning and I will be operating on very little sleep yet again. This is exactly why I can't seem to keep a job. I wind up having to quit because at some point, what goes up must come down. After weeks on end of sleepless night, i turn around and end up sleeping all the time. I want to find some happy medium. I could take the sedatives that the doctor prescribes, but they are not exactly something that I want to take. I wake up feeling groggy and walk around in a half awake/ half asllep status most of the day.
On top of the not sleeping, I'm gaining weight at an alarmingly fast rate. I am up to 195 pounds. As the numbers on my scale climb, my self-esteem plummets. I just don't know what to do to fix it. I keep taking the medications and they cause all these horrible side-effects. I have an appointment with my doctor on the 12th and he is suppose to change my medications then. I should be happy, but I'm not. From all the research I have been doing on mood stabilizers, it seems they all have one common side effect.....Weight gain. In my head I am trying to decide whether it is worth it or not. Is it worth all the extra health problems that may shorten my life? Why isn't there more research done on this disorder? Why are there so few options for us? I want to grow old and watch my children have children of their own. Is that too much to ask for? I mean it is like I have to choose whether to have these horrible life altering moods (thats putting it mildly), or take the meds that are essentially making me unhealthy and may very well shorten my life. It is such an unfair choice to make.
In the end it all comes down to what is best for my family now and unfortunately that means taking these awful medications. They need me to be here for them now. My children deserve to have the best childhood possible. The only way that is going to hapen is if I work with my doctor and figure it out as we go. As much as it hurts me to deal with all the side effects, It would hurt me alot more if I ever hurt my children. I guess that is the price I have to pay. Just wish there were more options.
Before I even got to the part about weight gain I was was going to mention that most of those DO cause weight gain. But you know that, so there you go. Isn't sleep funny? I do the same thing. I can't sleep so I stay up and then I stress about not being able to sleep, which makes it even harder to sleep. The "natural" remedies like taking a warm bath, drinking warm tea, even sex, are just useless. They might make me sleepy but they certainly don't keep me there. Occasionally, Tylenol PM will work but again, it's not always a good sleep. I was recent;y put on Ambien for the end of the pregnancy and it works wonders. But then I wake up feeling soooo disoriented and I swear that it gives me nightmares. It does. however, knock me out.
ReplyDeleteI commend you for trying to "get better" (sorry, for lack of better phrase) for your family. That's why I want to do it as well. I told my husband last night that sometimes I don't even feel like I am inside my own body. I feel like I am watching myself in a movie, just kind of floating through life.
I think the good thing is that we recognize this NOW and that we're trying to be proactive and do something about it. Those that live with it forever and ignore it end up pushing everyone away, causing damage to their loved ones, and becoming people that they wouldn't recognize. So on those days when you're feeling really bad just remember that you're doing the best that you and that you're trying. And that every little thing you do is a step in the right direction.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteTrying to get better is a perfect was to describe it. Thats exactly what it is. Everyday you try to do what needs to be done and is expected of you. Somedays I succeed, others I dont.
ReplyDeleteGetting into a regualr sleeping pattern is tough even without a disorder keeping you awake, so I think your doing well to try.
ReplyDeleteRebecca's struggling with it at the moment because she can't sleep until it's very late and then sleeps in a feels she's missing the day. I did that, not because of pain but because at university I worked to finish things late and didn't have many lectures to get to in the day. Honestly it took me about a year before getting up before noon was anything less then painful (not comical painful, literal pain in my head.
I also go through moments of panic where we can't stop thinking about so many things we can't do anything about. They used to call me a worrier, now they say it's grief, either way few people seem to acknowledged the difficulty of it.
Yea people are really good at diagnosing others. It seems that everyone needs to put a lable on something in order to make themselves feel better. I have noticed over the years that most people are not compfortable with things that they do not understand. So they lable them. Don't let anyone lable you and tell you that grief or anything else is causing anything you do. You are who you are. We all do things that may seem odd to others. But if there were't "night" people there would't be night jobs. Accept who you are and to hell with what others think.....lol Easiers said than done I know. I'm great at giving advise but not so great at taking it. Good Luck
ReplyDelete