Dealing with it.

     This blog is mainly here to try and help me. I got the idea from a friend who I will keep anonymous. It's a way for me to try and sort out different aspects of my disorder. I'm told that bipolar affects different people in different ways. So each case is distinctly unique, just as every person is. I'm trying to find a way to deal with it. I'm ashamed of my disorder. I'm ashamed of how it makes me feel and some of the things it causes me to do. The first step to my treatment was admitting to myself that I have a problem. The second step was seeing a professional and taking all my medications as prescribed. The third step is by far the hardest step for me.....Admitting to others that I have a problem.
     You see, I play an online war game called Evony. If you have never played, you should. It's a really amazing strategy game and you can make some really great friends. Some of you who read this are going to say,"What does a game have to do with any of this?". Well I'm going to tell you. Before I sought any kind of treatment, Evony was a kind of therapy for me. I was able to make friends, challenge my mind, relieve my stress and anger, and above all fill my time. At some point along the way it turned into something else. I couldn't stay away from it. I was on all the time. I rarely slept. The minute my eyes opened everyday, I immediately logged in. I thought it was great. My husband played the game as well and it was a fun way for us to spend time together. In the beginning it was great. I have been playing that game for years now. The problem is that somewhere all the way, the game became my everything. If my kids asked me to do something, the answered was always," In a minute, I'm busy." I started spending every second on the game. I quit spending time with my family. Everything except Evony was a distraction. When I started seeing a doctor and taking the medications prescribed, I kind of woke up and realized what I had been doing. I felt horrible. I had been neglecting my family for a game. You can't even imagine how badly I felt. When I realized what I had been doing, I cut back on the amount of time I was on each day. This was a very hard thing for me to do, but a necessary thing.
     The very first time I admitted to being bipolar, other than to my husband and children, was on Evony. I slowly started telling people I could trust that I had the disorder. When I wasn't criticized there, I told immediate family and friends. My doctor tells me that I need to see a therapist. He say that a combination of therapy and medications is what works best. He feels that by seeing a therapist I can talk about any issues I have to a neutral third party person. Maybe gain some perspective by talking to someone else. Well it's not in my current budget to see a therapist. My friend writes a blog to help her deal with things in her life. She and I have alot in common, although, we do not suffer from the same disorder. Her blog is what gave me the courage to write this blog. Its a way for me to fulfill the step of telling people what I have and to become less ashamed of it. Have you ever noticed that when we are ashamed of things that we tend to hide it. Well I'm still ashamed but I'm no longer hiding it. I'm trying to make myself more comfortable with accepting that I have a mental illness. Accepting it is a very hard thing to do. I may not be able to see a therapist, but I can do this. I can write this blog and talk about things that are weighing on me without having to look into the face of the person I'm talking to. I can sit here in my home with my hair uncombed, in my pajamas, with my mascara running and type at my keyboard all the things on my mind. This I can do. It's really hard for me but I can do it. Am I afraid? Yes, very much so. I'm afraid that someone will read this and think,"What a psycho." It could happen. I think the same thing about myself at times. What I'm doing isn't brave. It isn't a way for me to gain attention. Its a way for ME to deal with my illness. Its to help me heal. So if any of you out there read this and have any negative comments, keep them to yourself. This is my therapy time and I get to be me. I get to say whatever is on my mind to make me feel better. Not to make you feel better.
      Right now I'm having a really hard time dealing with life. My children are away on vacation traveling with their grandparents. Great for them, not so great for me. Since they have been gone my anxiety have soared, my sleeping have become sporadic at best. My kids being on vacation is also a good thing. While they are away I have been withdrawals from the Celexa that my doctor is currently taking me off of. He replaced it with a drug called Cymbalta. I had to quit taking the Cymbalta because it gave me severe migraines that kept me in bed. Unfortunately my doctor is on vacation so i just have to deal as best I can while he is away. The withdrawal symptoms have eased up recently so that is a good thing. I no longer have night sweats that drench me and the bed covers. I no longer get the headaches as frequently or with as much intensity. The nightmares have gone away. I think I'm starting to hit the homestretch.

     A friend from the game Evony that I told you about recently sent me a message that did wonders for me. She sent: A flower may die, The sun may set, But a person like you, I'll never forget. Your name is precious, it will never grow old. it's engraved in my heart, in letters of gold.

     She has no idea just how much that simple text message meant to me. You never know in life just where you will find a friend. I found one on a war game of all places. In any case, my children will be returning Sunday night and I am so thankful. My children are the greatest gift that I have ever received. So glad that they were away during the hard stuff, but will be so happy to have them home again, safe and sound. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know this: Although life is sure to throw me plenty of curveballs, I will always find a way to pick myself back up, and get myself back in the game of life.