Something I have noticed since I started treatment this time......Sometimes it seems as if I am no longer allowed to have normal motions. For regular people it is ok to be angry, sad, disappointed upset, happy, excited, energetic, and a barage of other emotions. For the bipolar person, ever emotion you have seems to be analyzed. If you suddenly are happy it is like: ut oh is that a manic episode about to come on? If you wake up in a cranky mood, maybe that means the meds arent working properly. Every emotion you have is under careful watch. Anger is most definately not allowed. If you become angry, then an adjustment most definately needs to be made. "WRONG!"
That seriously pisses me off. I may have a disorder, but bipolar is not who I am. I have a name and its Katerina! My name is not bipolar. Bipolar is a part of who I am but it does not define me as a human being. I have real feelings. I can think for myself. I can take care of myself and others. I hate how people presume that they know what I'm going through. I have good days and I have no so good days.
Today was a decent day I suppose. Been having alot of trouble sleeping lately which is not fun. Wasn't able to sleep until 6:00 this morning and I had to breakdown and take a sedative in order to make it happen. First time in weeks that I got great sleep. Slept from 6am- 4pm. It was amazing. Here is the thing, I don't like having to take a pill to make me sleep. I try to explain that to friends and family. They try to help. Sometimes it doesn't feel like help. It feels like I am being criticized. I'm sure that 90% of the time that is not the case, but that doesn't change how it makes me feel. Yes the sedatives work and they make me sleep. They also have risky side effects that come with taking them. They also cause you to wake feeling groggy the next day. You walk around for hours after waking, feeling as if your drifting along in a fog. Pills do not fix everything.
I absolutley do not like having to take so many different kinds of meds. I take the ones that I have to, but the optional ones like Restoril and Xanax, I only take when I absoulutely have to. I hate having to use a crutch, such as a pill, but I am willing to admit that sometimes crutches are needed. Sometimes the lesser of two evils is swallowing your pride and taking a pill. I say swallowing your pride because to me, it hurts my pride to know that I can't always be in complete control of myself. When I become overly anxious and become upset or even feel myself reaching my limit on my emotions, I will take the xanax. Not because I want to, but because it is better for me to swallow a little pill that almost instantly calms me down, than to take my overwhelming emotions out on the people I love. Once anger takes completely over it is harder than hell to be able to reign yourself back. I know this for a fact. I have been so overwhelmed with too many emotions in the past to the point all I wanted in this world was to beat the hell out of the first person I could get my hands on. It's not a pleasant feeling. You always fear that if you dont catch it in time then you will act on those desires.
What most people don't understand about me is that at any given time in the day, my mind may have 100+ things running through it all at one time. It is not something that I can control. These thoughts race through my mind like an F5 tornado. I can process alot more information and multi-task like most can't. It is a gift as well as a curse. On the upside when I am doing well, I can accomplish things that take most people days to finish, in just a few short hours. These are my manic phases. Manic is almost fun. For a while you get to feel alive. Its almost as if you can feel every nerve in your body humming with unused energy, The problem is that while your under a manic state, you think you can do way more than you can. You spend more money than what you actually have to spend, you take on projects that you would't have ever considered before. You are in a sense, juiced up with power. This power makes you feel as if the sky is the limit. You can do anything. Its a very dangerous state to be in. Dangerous but exhilerating. There is nothing else like it in the world.
Part of Bipolar is having to deal with a barage of emotions that sometimes can't seperate themselves from one another. Its hard to be happy, sad, mad, energized and furious all at the same time. There are some days when I wake up and I'm full of energy and ready to go and before lunchtime arrives I'm a crying mess on the couch....And do you know what I'm sad about? Absolutley not a damn thing. I'm just crying and feel such an overwhelming since of sadness that its hard to breathe. Its like there is this weight of pressure crushing in on my chest and you dont know what to do to feel better. Its scary for all involved. Its scary for my kids and my husband. Sometimes it even scares friends way. What most dont get is this......Most people with bipolar will hurt themselves way worse than they would ever hurt someone they care about. We are the best at self mutilation. This doesnt just mean hurting ourselves in physical ways. We do it one better. We hurt ourselves emotionally as well. I will belittle myself for all of my short comings. I feel like a complete failure somedays and I don't cut myself a break. I truly believe that my loved ones derserve someone better than me. Someone who can get up everyday and play all day long. Someone who can do everything right without the expense of all the costly doctor appointments and prescriptions. We generally are happy torturing ourselves. It is a rare occurance these days that someone other than myself has to pay for my shortfalls. When I feel overwhelmed I take the Xanax. When I go too many days without sleep I take the sedatives. I take the mood-stabilizers everyday (despite what they are doing to my body), I take the anti-depressants, and I follow what my doctor recommends as best as I can. Do I like living this way? No, but there isn't really a choice. All I hope for is that one day life will be easier. People too often take for granted the things that they have in life.... I don't because I know that every second counts. Every minute of everyday counts. Because some days I'm going to fail and fail badly. Im not going to be able to drag my butt out of bed no matter how much I want to, or I'm not going to be able to sleep for days on end and that is almost as bad. Every second that Im feeling ok enough that I can force myself to do the things that my loved one need me to do, I do them. No matter how hard it gets.....I will always at least try for them and hope that its enough. Failure seems to go hand and hand with this disorder. We have to take our victories when we can and make the most out of the craziness that happens in our minds.
This makes so much sense. I feel the same way about grief. If I lash out at someone, make someone mad, have a sad moment or whatever it gets chalked up to, "Oh, she's just in grieving" when sometimes no, they're just being an asshole! It starts to define you and that's not nice. Or even true.
ReplyDeleteI also had a friend about a month after Toby died who told me, "You'll have good days again." Like I was a walking zombie who was always crying and on edge. But the fact was, I DID have good days. I had good moments, too. I laughed, I took Sam to the circus, I watched movies with Pete, we cooked meals together...But people want to pigeonhole you. It's hard to break free from that because so many people have expectations of you and want you to fit their idea of what your illness is. When you don't, they don't know how to handle it.